My relationship ended.
I didn’t know if I was going to feel up to writing something about this and what’s currently going on in my life, but unfortunately, I heal from getting my emotions out so here we are. Also, therapy helps, but that’s not for a few days.
Thank you for reading my words and understanding how important these specific ones are to me.
I met J when I was 23 years old. I was beyond confused as to who I was and where I was going in life. Today I am less than a month away from turning 32 and I’m (most of the time) confident in who I am and where I’m going now. (This does throw a wrench into some of that but overall, still yes)
I keep trying to summarize our relationship. Trying to wrap up what the last 9-ish years have meant to me and I keep having to start over. I think what I actually want to do is appreciate what I have learned about myself, about the world, and about love from him and from what we built together.
I think I’ve become a more confident person in who I am because of J. He pushed me to be better and even when we fought, I would always take something away from whatever lesson was being learned and apply it to being a better person. He taught me that negativity is something I struggle with. My anxiety leads to overwhelmingly negative thoughts and because of him and the struggle that has been to navigate for us, I am much more aware and cautious about how I project those thoughts. He has helped me become a more positive person and I’m sure a lot of people in my life can appreciate him for that. I became a more caring person because of J. I’ve always been a standoffish person and I like being to myself but being with him and loving him the way I did, I think that’s changed a lot. When he had his seizures, I’ve never in my life wanted to physically hold and care for someone more. I would hold his hand in the hospital, I would lay next to him when he slept to make sure I could feel that he was still here and still ok. I’ve seen him witness death and tragedy in his life. I have watched as he lost people that he loved. I have held him while he cried, and I have cried with him. I have listened and not talked while he spoke about them and what they meant to him. I have loved every one of the people he lost, because he loved them.
When my dad died, he was there. He held my hand. He held my body as it crumbled, and he helped put me back together. He wiped my tears and told me I was going to survive. He was selfless towards my family and me. He sacrificed his happiness and sanity to live in a house with 4 people, all grieving in their own way. He accepted every new wave of my depression and continued to support me when I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. He championed me when I got my job. He made an effort to build relationships with my clients and my team and made them love him just the same. He always put me first and I will forever be grateful for his ability to do that.
He always took me on dates, he planned surprises, and he took me to places I always wanted to go. We travelled as much as we could. We experienced cities and little towns all over the country together. We went out with friends and always opted for a long road trip when it was possible. I got to see and experience so much with him because of his ability to find the coolest places that exist.
He gave me Boone. The world’s best worst dog who completely changed our lives beyond what we ever could have imagined. He in a way made me a mother. Boone is the best part of us. He is everything I have loved about being independent and learning how to be adults together. J and I have dealt with so much: poop, diarrhea, pee everywhere, throw up everywhere, ingested poison, ingested toys, ingested foil, ingested gum, and many more things a dog should never eat or do. We have cried in our car together while waiting for the vet to call us back. We have laughed until we cried just being alone in our little apartment in Long Beach because of something this dog did. We have gone on miles and miles of walks, spent hours together at the dog park or dog beach. We took this little creature with us everywhere for the better part of his life so far. He may have howled in our faces, talked back to us when we tried to punish him, and never did what we told him to do, but this dog also cuddled on the couch with us at night when we would watch TV. He would sleep with us in bed every single night, and he would lay with us when one was sick. We handled each decision with Boone together as if he were our human child. He brought us closer in a way I had never experienced before. We will always have him as a bond between us forever. Because Boone will never die.
Having a relationship like this come to an end doesn’t always make any sense. That’s ok. What people deal with internally is sometimes more than what can be portrayed to anyone outside of their world. Respecting that and knowing that one day things will be ok is all that matters. I know that I want the best for J. I want him to live a life that exceeds all of his expectations and goals that he has for himself. I want him to find happiness and to be able to share that happiness with so many. He is an incredible teacher and coach and I have learned more from him than I will ever be able to thank him for. He has shown me how to be a happy person, even in my darkest days. He has made me laugh harder than I ever thought possible, and he has loved me exactly how I needed to be loved. I hope that he continues his life making people as happy as he has made me.
It’s been strange figuring out these next steps. We’ve lived together for the majority of our relationship; our lives have become intertwined in each other’s and it’s proving to be a lot to untangle that. I hope our friends understand how hard this is for both of us moving forward. I hate that I won’t be around as much for the friend’s that he has and I’m sure he feels the same towards mine. Its messy and it sucks. I know on my end how much his friends have meant to me and supported me throughout the years. I have loved building relationships with them and calling them friends of my own. I will always feel that way. I will miss seeing his parents and brother all the time. Spending holidays with them, celebrating birthdays, traveling on incredible vacations together, watching USC games and always eating the best food with them. I will miss having another family filled with people I could always talk to and know I was never judged, only loved as one of their own.
Watching as he moved his stuff out of the room and house we once shared and seeing him drive away was a surreal moment. I never saw this as an outcome for us. I saw a lot, but this wasn’t an option. However, it’s the reality we’re now living in and we’re going to get through it.
I think one of the most insane parts of this process for me has been how I’ve been handling everything. I think my body knew this was coming before I ever had a moment to really understand it. I’ve been struggling with crippling panic attacks and anxiety for weeks. I thought having long talks and discussions would make that go away but it never did. I never had a clear head. I always had racing thoughts trying to make sense of the confusion I was feeling. I had no answers or understanding as to why I was feeling this way. Then the fevers started. My body actually stressed itself out so intensely that I had severe fevers for 3 days straight. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get out of bed, I could barely function. J would help tuck me in, draw me a bath, get me a cold towel for my head and nothing helped. I have been in excruciating pain for the better part of a month. The night he and I talked, the night our relationship ended; my pain went away. My fever was broken, my anxiety vanished. I had the answers I needed. There was nothing to be uncertain about anymore. My body could relax and take a breath on its own. I have now laid in bed night after night with no racing thoughts, nothing to overthink, nothing to hyper-focus on. I have silence for the first time in what feels like forever. I’m oddly at peace. I’m in no way saying that I am relieved or that I am happy this is over. I just think I’ve learned that my body is more in-tune with what’s going on than I am even aware. I’m adjusting to that amongst other things. I’m adjusting to sleeping in a bed alone…but still with Boone. Even though we have a whole other half of a mattress, Boone still climbs up his stairs and comes to my side to be spooned under the covers. I’m sure eventually we will adjust to our new normal, but for now, I’m ok that we haven’t.
I’m entering into a brand-new chapter. One I never thought I would. One I’m not so sure I’m ready for, but I don’t have much of a choice. I will try my best to be optimistic. I will try to have a good outlook on what’s to come. I can’t promise there won’t be days where I am not. I can’t say I’m not going to cry when a song comes on that reminds me of countless concerts and nights in the car screaming lyrics at the top of our lungs. There may be some restaurants that I can’t go to for a while. I won’t be able to know if I can handle watching people on tv or in movies or even in real life live out the life I thought I was going to have yet. It’s going to take time adjusting to what I have been so accustomed to for almost a 3rd of my lifetime. I am sad. My heart is still in the process of breaking and it may be for a while. This is a new version of grief I am going to have to navigate through now.
I think overall I can know and be confident in the fact that I have lived the last 9 years loving someone with every ounce of myself. Even when we had moments of separation, I always loved him, even when we fought or didn’t make the right choices for each other, I loved him.
Love isn’t always enough though and that fucking sucks.
I still love him. I will always love him, until I don’t.
