May 4, 2023
I have been single for a year.
It’s hard to comprehend how much time has passed because I can still put myself directly back into that moment and the moments leading up to it. I can still viscerally feel the pain and suffocation in my chest from the anguish and anxiety the week before. I was ghosted at a family dinner which resulted in rolling panic attacks that made me feel insane. I had to excuse myself from the table so I could sit on the asphalt in the parking lot while I broke down just to feel something real. I can still feel the burning of my skin and pounding of the headaches from the fevers while I laid in bed the days before because my body was so overdone with stress that it lost control. I can still feel the insanity and impossibility I was trying to process while standing in the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror before heading back into my bedroom, ready to finish the conversation that ends with him leaving. I can still feel the calmness of my soul the morning after while I walked Boone to the park. I can still feel the smile and tears I let fall because all my pain was gone.
I am almost 33 years old, and I truly think I’ve learned more in the past 12 months than I ever have before. I thought I had my life planned out. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and who I was going to be. I thought a lot of things. It’s so funny when life slaps you in the face for thinking you know everything. I could not imagine my life any other way than it is right now. And right now, it’s a fucking mess.
Being on my own was something I’ve never been afraid of. I’ve never hated being single. I just preferred being in my relationship because of who I was with. I always thought the better option was to be laughing with my best friend even when things weren’t making any sense and we were both hurting. We’d been together for so long, at this point, it was best to stick it out. When, in reality, being alone and happy because you aren’t suffering anymore is so much healthier.
I’m not trying to paint my relationship out to be something terrible. It was not. It was wonderful. It changed my life and saved my life many times. I have the best and most incredible memories with someone that I loved with every ounce of myself. I got Boone. That right there is reason enough to be grateful for all the years we spent together. He makes it all worth it. I am so thankful for the time that I had in that relationship. I realized a lot about who I am, what I want, and what I do not want in the future. I think being single is something everyone should experience for a good amount of time in their life. Coming out of a huge relationship is hard. It’s life-altering. When you are set to marry and spend the rest of your life with someone and then that doesn’t happen and you suddenly shift into a world of you being on your own, there is a period that needs to take place where you rest. You look at yourself and what you are now facing and find out where you want to go. I did that. I took it all in. I embraced the emptiness. I adjusted to sleeping alone. I figured out how to be my own support system. I realized that I am funny and strong, both physically and mentally. I accepted that it’s always ok to cry and it’s also ok to talk things through out loud with yourself. I discovered that my friends, in every group that I have, are incredible. They will do anything and everything to make sure I am not only ok but taken care of. I have leaned on them, and I have collapsed on them, and every time, they have picked me up and helped put me back together. Your friends want to be there for you. Friends are in your life so you can unload and share and cry and laugh and talk shit. It’s all important and it’s all so very necessary. My friends are the best and it’s been such a wonderful time getting to dive deeper into my relationships with them. They know that with all the love they give me and the availability I have to vent or unload, they have that from me as well. That’s just how it works.
I figured out who I am this past year. I discovered things about myself that I never even knew. Things that aren’t related to being in a relationship necessarily, but I am now finding out exactly the parts of me that I love and why. I learned that I love entertaining the people in my life. I will cook, plan and organize party after party if it means all my people get to come over and be near me. I get to watch them eat food that I made and enjoy it. I can watch while they talk, laugh and play games all because I brought them together. I love my people and I love when my friends are happy because of me. I learned that I love having really long nails. It’s a weird, very specific thing, but it makes me feel as though my short fingers are elegant and that is so important to me and my self-esteem. I learned that working out is one of my favorite things to do every single day. I’ve never felt this way before and it’s almost funny how necessary physical activity is for me now. I love feeling strong, I love seeing muscles I never knew I had, and I (shockingly) love to sweat. I love doing Pilates the most because even when I am hungover or exhausted, there is no excuse not to do a workout that is done mostly while lying down. I learned that I have boundaries. I will not tolerate being disrespected and I will call it out and set a clear line where I do not want someone to cross. I will never again let my happiness or wellbeing be something that other people can ruin. I learned that I am not great at dating because I’m too nice. I don’t tell people when I’m not interested and then things go on for too long or I’ll kiss someone I don’t want to. I also learned that when I do like someone, it’s so hard for me to trust that good things will happen. I get scared that I’m not worth it or that they will get bored of me. I’m actively working on healing that part of myself. It’s a journey, but one that’s been so crucial for me to take.
I no longer recognize the person that I was a year ago. I still have anxiety, I’m still clinically depressed. I still go to therapy each week, but I’m happier than I ever have been. One of the hardest parts about healing and growing for me this past year has been letting go of the shame and guilt I have towards the person I was. I feel so bad for her. I feel bad that who I was a year ago thought that the moments I was living were the best it was ever going to be. I thought that was the happiest I would ever get, and that was going to be my life, forever. I feel bad that I didn’t have the courage to stop myself and really look at what my life was. What our life was. I feel bad that I didn’t save us sooner. I’m grateful every day that it is over now, and I say that with so much respect towards doing something that seemed impossible at the time. I never would have been able to do what he did.
It’s funny. There are a lot of things I never would have been able to do that he did.
There is no right way to go through a breakup. There is no handbook or rules to follow. You unfortunately don’t get arrested or put in a special jail for being the worst after a breakup.
I try to always see the good in people. I try to always stand up for people that are special to me and the ones I love. I don’t hold grudges and I don’t get petty. I stayed true to all my standards this past year. I have tried, fought for, and defended over and over again a person in which I only ever saw the good, even when there was no reason for me to see anything but the awful that was in front of me. I still see good though. However, I now also see sad. I see alone. I see scared. I see confused, terrified, and I see stubborn. But I will still always see the good.
It’s so hard to let someone go that you shared a life with. You would hope for and want to have a good relationship after everything ends because they meant so much to you for so long. That’s how I felt in the beginning. I don’t feel that way anymore. I know the relationship I had and what it meant to me. I will have that forever. Now I have new memories that overpower those. That’s just how things go, I guess.
From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone who surrounded me with love from the moment I needed you. I won’t stop needing you because as we have learned, this shit never ends. No matter how insane I think my life is sometimes, there is always someone available to prove to me that I never have and never will be able to anticipate what is coming next. From the morning after when I texted or called to tell people that I was now on my own, to the moments where I’m being texted and called because people want to make sure I’m ok because my past has moved on. Then there were the moments of finding out that timelines of relationships don’t add up because as it turns out, they actually met at work while your relationship still existed. And then ultimately finding out that the person who ended your decade long relationship for the reasons of, “I never want to get married or have a family” is now both getting married and having a family all before the one-year anniversary of your breakup. I am telling you…my life could not be made up even if I wanted it to be. Which a lot of the time, is what I’m really hoping it is.
I’m ok though. I prepped myself for all the awful. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt and rip through me like a burning flame of dogshit smeared on a pitchfork of red-hot Tom Sandoval-like irony. I’ve grieved, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve screamed, I’ve cried in front of people, and I’ve cried alone. I’ve talked Boone through all of it and I’ve moved on. I’m ok now and I will always be ok.
Ultimately my life is nowhere near the place I thought it would be at this point. I want to do so much. I want to live my life the way I want to live it, making decisions for myself (and Boone) knowing that they are exactly right, even if they are wrong. I am so excited to figure this shit out and after a year of practice, I think I’ve got it.
Like I said before, I could not be more grateful to be on this side of my breakup, looking back a year later and knowing that I’m beyond proud of who I have become and where I’m about to go.
xx
