Breakups are hard.
There are very few times in a person’s life where losing someone of importance in any capacity, like a partner or a friendship, feels good. I’ve had my share of all sorts of breakups and they’ve been awful. Watching as someone decides not to be in your life anymore is truly something that I do not understand how we move on from. We do though. You can go through the toughest and most impossible time in your life and manage to take your pain and sadness and turn it around to empower yourself and continue moving forward.
The weirdest part of breaking up with someone is when you don’t even realize it’s happened. Sometimes people naturally fall away from each other and one day you don’t talk to that person ever again. Even if they meant everything to you at one point in time. There are catalysts that propel you in different directions and nothing can stop that from happening. In those instances, it’s best to appreciate what you had with that person and maybe one day you will come back to each other, and maybe you won’t.
That’s where my story comes in.
I grew up with my best friend. Rachel is a year older than me but our parents knew each other in college so she was in my life before I was even born. We did everything together. We lived close to each other so we just switched off having sleepovers at our houses. We would play games, make funny videos, go to the beach and explore life together. We also had another family friend, Taryne, who is a few years older than both of us but the three of us together were so much fun. We loved watching movies, hanging out with our group of friends and everyone knew how close we were because we were basically family. It was always so cool to say I’d had my best friend in my life for 20 years…when I was 20 years old.
When I was 22, however, I was not in the best place. I was going through a rough breakup and reeling from losing friends and family I thought would always be in my life. I was going out a lot, drinking, and making new friends in this whirlwind of a spiral I was on, Taryne, Rachel and my other girl friends were by my side helping me through it every step of the way. I thought that starting over at 22 was the worst time in my life and I really struggled with knowing what to do next. (LOL you poor girl, if only you knew.)
Spiraling at 22 years old was good and bad for me in the long run. The good was that I ended up meeting some incredible people that are a huge part of my life even to this day. I was open to new friendships and was able to bond with girls who have helped shaped me into a better person. The bad part was the actual spiral. I was heavily drinking and making stupid choices for about a year. (not that my bad choices didn’t continue…this was just my longest running tally in a row) I didn’t care about repercussions, I did whatever I wanted.
One of those choices ended up hurting Rachel a lot. Boys suck and boys getting in-between friends suck even more. I knew I was making a decision that could hurt my friend but I did it anyway and it was awful. I felt sick and tormented myself over it for a long time. Having that conversation with her was the worst, it created a crack in our friendship that I didn’t think I could fix. I tried, but no amount of apologies could undo what I had chosen to do.
We ended up spending most of that summer apart as I gave her space and Taryne was there for her immediately. As a good friend should be. Unfortunately for me, this time in my life did not teach me the lesson I needed right away. I continued to go down my dark spiral and didn’t care even more so who I left in the dust. Taryne became my next casualty. Now, this situation wasn’t as awful as what Rachel and I were going through, but my choice in boys did not make things better. Ultimately, I solidified that the cracks that were forming in my relationships became permanent.
I sound like an asshole now that I’m reading everything back to myself. And that’s because I was. There’s no kind way to describe what I was during that time. I know I was going through a lot, but that’s no excuse and I mean clearly, I’ve gone through worse and been able to not thoroughly destroy all the good people that I love. So, looking back on this time in my life is rough for me. What I’m able to take from this is that I don’t ever want to get to that place again. It was dark, it was lonely and it felt awful all the time. Physically from the hangovers and emotionally cause of the bad choices.
Rachel, Taryne and I tried to patch things up over time but in reality, it was never going to be the same. They went off and lived their lives continuing the friendship they had and I went on to live mine, watching there’s from afar. We always stayed connected on social media so we generally knew what was going on in each other’s lives but it was nothing more than surface level. We’d run into each other every so often and it was always cordial, but always awkward. We had dissolved our 20+ year friendship into being just acquaintances in a matter of months and before we knew it, 8 years had passed.
When my dad died, everyone felt the need to reach out to me. That’s just what you do. You send your condolences and tell the person and the family how sorry you are for what happened and how you’re there if they need anything at all. It’s weird but that’s what you do. Rachel and Taryne did exactly that. They reached out to me on the worst day of my life and said incredibly kind and thoughtful things. I needed that. I needed to be loved and told that I had people there for me…even if I did not know what I could possibly need from them at that exact moment.
It turns out that what I needed were my friends. Every so often I would get texts from them checking in on me and asking how I was doing. Those led to conversations and those conversations led to us deciding to hang out after almost 10 years of not being friends.
I was nervous! I had been the reason we all had fallen apart and I didn’t know if I could make up for that. I didn’t know if topics were off limits or if they’d even want to know what was going on in my life after so long. They did. I did too. We talked for hours and hours, catching up on years of missed time together and the best part was how natural it all felt. We sat and told stories of our lives. We laughed together, cried together, and gave each other advice on what we are currently dealing with now. It was such a relief when our past issues got brought up and we could collectively look back and laugh at how minute those problems are now compared to our current life. I had not felt that type of acceptance in a long time.
Being the type of person who takes things personally and to heart, knowing that I had hurt my friends and they still loved me, even after all these years, was something I am so incredibly thankful for.
It’s been a few months of us rebuilding our relationship, getting together and getting to know each other as who we are now and it’s been wonderful. I love the openness of our conversations, the fact that we all have different beliefs and can discuss those together. We have each gone through so much in our own lives that shaped us to be who we are now and it’s cool that we can be adults and still 100% enjoy each other’s company.
I don’t know what would have happened between us three if my dad hadn’t passed away. I cannot tell you that one of us would have reached out to another or that we ever would have fully been able to get back on track. That’s something we will never know. What I do know is that even during the darkest day/week/month/current time in my life…one of the best and most positive changes took place. I am so grateful that they decided to reach out to me that day even though they had no idea if I’d even respond. It just goes to show that even though there is awfulness in life, there is good hidden in there too. You just have to dig a little deeper to find it.
