I started writing this piece a few days ago and what came out sounded whiny and depressing.
I don’t think that’s the overall feeling I want to portray when I talk about this subject. I may have had really negative experiences in the past with alcohol, I may have some intense memories (or lack thereof) because of alcohol, and I may have some triggers that float to the surface when people I care about drink, but none of those are the reason I’ve stopped drinking.
Someone asked me the other day if I wanted them to make me a drink. I thought about it and said, “no thank you”, because I genuinely felt as if I didn’t want one. I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
I started drinking when I was 19 and for the last 11ish years or so I haven’t stopped. Drinking was a part of my life. It was something I revolved my decisions around, the planning of my daily life, and every trip I took. Drinking was the most social aspect of myself. Going to bars, breweries, drinking at concerts or sporting events, it’s just what you do. I’ve had some incredible experiences when alcohol was involved and those memories I will cherish forever. I’ve seen some of my favorite artists in the world and belted out songs with my best friends while drinking a beer, I’ve played drinking games on a summer afternoon with my family by the pool while on vacation, and I’ve had date nights with J drinking margaritas at our favorite restaurants while talking about how excited we are for our future. There has been so much good that alcohol has brought into my life. On the opposite end of that spectrum, some of my worst memories come from drinking alcohol and the choices that I made under that influence. I don’t have regrets in my life, I stand by everything I’ve done because every choice I’ve made got me to where I am today and I’m proud of who I am. But looking back on those decisions make me very sad, and even embarrassed. Not only have I made bad decisions, put myself in danger, or just really messed up while I was drinking, I’ve seen what it can do to a lot of people that I love. In high school, I had friends who drank a lot. Being 30 now and looking back on how young you are during that time makes those memories so sad for me. I’ve been impacted by losing someone to drunk driving, and I have held J during a violent seizure that was caused by his body being so extremely dehydrated from a night of drinking with our friends at a wedding. (There were a few other factors, but that’s a story for another day)
I’ve been through a lot with alcohol, good and bad, and I didn’t want to make my decision because I feared what may happen one way or another. I would rather go into this next chapter of my life with an open mind and heart knowing full well that this is all under my control. The day my dad passed away, my brother went out and bought 6 bottles of wine and a handle of tequila for us. We finished about 80% of it that night. It was our first and easiest escape from the trauma we were experiencing. It eased our pain and helped us not remember. It helped us not feel as much. We drank every day and every night. It became a way to be together in our sadness, but also not be so sad. My mom and I would pour glasses of wine for each other, my brothers and J would play beer die out in our backyard and drink endless amounts of White Claws. We were all safe, at home and together, but I started to notice that the more I drank, the sadder I was and the more I cried. I cried at night when I was alone and could think. I hated that feeling of emptiness and loneliness that came after everyone went to sleep.
Deciding to cut alcohol out of your life is a big step. I know that there are people who have worse relationships with it than I do and I can understand why it is so hard for them. It’s a way of life, it’s a norm in society to drink and almost weird if you don’t. I’m not making this decision because I’m trying to lose weight in 30 days, or live a “healthier lifestyle” (you can be healthy and still drink), I want to overall feel better. I know I’m sad a lot right now, but I also know that it’s most likely a better choice for me to feel the sadness as it happens rather than push it away and bottle it up for a later time. I saw myself going down a path that scared me a little bit. I don’t want to rely on a substance to help me cope with my pain and sadness. I want to be there for the people in my life. I want to be able to be reliable and someone people can count on. I know there will be times that my family will need me and I don’t think I can be that person when I’m drinking. I’m not setting a time limit on this decision. I didn’t even realize when 30 days had passed. I don’t want to be “looking forward” to the end of it. If I want to have a drink one day, then I will. If I’m ok drinking virgin cocktails, sparkling water and juice, then that’s what I’ll have. And I’ll probably be very hydrated too. I want to not feel pressured into making a choice because that’s the choice other people are making. I’m not going to make a big deal about this or the fact that I’m sober for the time being. I just wanted to let anyone who is dealing with something similar know that it’s normal and okay to take breaks. We all have the power to make the best decisions for our personal health and well-being, and for right now, alcohol is not the best decision for me. I’m hopeful for what this time will bring me and the clarity and ability to deal with grief and anger in a much healthier way (for me). Everyone is different and this is not the choice a lot of people would make during a time like this for themselves, and that’s completely okay.
I hope everyone can understand where I’m coming from with this and know that this is the healthiest thing I can do for myself right now.
I’ll also take any and all non-alcoholic beverage recommendations, some of my favorites are below!
