Today has been tough for me.
I think my days are more difficult when there is a way I’m “supposed” to be feeling. I feel every emotion there is almost every day at this point and some days it’s harder than others to juggle and figure out where I’m truly at. I have normal days that lead to guilt because how can I feel “normal” and “happy” when my dad is dead and my family is crumbling? I have sad days where I feel anger because I know I need to be productive, but lying in bed and crying are all I’m physically capable of doing at that moment. I have numb days where I get through my routine and don’t feel anything at all. All of that to say that on days where there is something going on that should dictate how I’m supposed to feel…it puts a lot of pressure on me.
Today is Joe Biden’s inauguration as our new president. It’s a monumental day for this country and I know how happy and excited everyone is. (For the most part anyway) People are ready for change and a new era to begin and I’m right there with them. It’s not that I’m not excited or ready to see what the future holds, it’s just that since I’m still struggling with my own personal issues I have a hard time wrapping my head around bigger, more serious matters. I watched the swearing in ceremony this morning with a smile on my face. I pushed my morning walk with Boone an hour so that I could sit and fully take everything in. *Boone did NOT appreciate this diversion from our daily routine and made sure to voice his feelings.
I sat and listened to the speakers, to the speeches talking about hope and renewed power and energy going into these next 4 years with a new leader and I was appreciative. It wasn’t until Biden gave his speech and asked that the entire nation take a moment to say a silent prayer for those who we lost due to Covid-19 and those who lost loved ones due to the virus as well. I sat on my couch alone and my eyes filled with tears so quickly I wasn’t prepared at all. In his moment of silence, I screamed. I took my pillow and screamed and sobbed into it. (My neighbors didn’t need to think someone was being murdered on a Wednesday morning) I was completely overwhelmed and overcome with grief and sadness because as kind and as thoughtful as a moment of silence was during probably one of the most watched television events to date is, I was mad.
Roughly 403,000 people have died because of this virus in our country SO FAR. There is no end in sight and it’s only getting worse as the days, weeks, and months go on. We will hit one full year of this nightmare in the next few months and who knows what the numbers will be by then. This is something that I haven’t ever felt the need to go into detail about but today I was too upset and too hurt to not express why.
My dad was a healthy 63-year old man. He was active, he played golf constantly, he was always working around our house, he was handy and started many projects that are now currently left undone. My dad was funny and lively and even though we butted heads, he was a great man who I loved deeply as well as so many others. He got sick because someone was not careful. Someone wasn’t thinking about how they could impact others because of their selfishness and now my dad is gone. He spent 12 days in the hospital and up until his final 2 days, we all communicated with him as much as we could. He was just supposed to go in and get stronger medicine. I was supposed to see him again on Christmas. There was nothing serious about it, until there was. Being told someone you love is going on a ventilator because their body is having to work too hard to breathe on its own and cannot properly heal the infection it has is not good news. But we believed. We prayed and we willed him to get better. We believed in the power God has to heal and provide and we knew he would be ok. But he never got better. He never healed and he was never home again.
Losing my dad was never an option. None of us even brought it up as a possibility or to “think of the worst just in case” because it wasn’t there in our minds. Hospitals already scare me and are part of my biggest fear but not my dad, I knew he was in there doing his work, playing his computer games and asking to watch any and all sports that were on TV. There was no need to worry.
He died in a hospital room without a single person who truly loved him by his side. I don’t want to say he died alone because I know there were several doctors and nurses there trying their hardest to save him and exhausting everything they could to not have him become another statistic, but in a sense, my dad died alone. We were given the option to rush over to the hospital, which was 45 minutes away, to maybe see him before he went. If we had done that, he would have already essentially been “gone” and we could only see him through a window because he had to be quarantined away from everyone. Personally, as much as I would want to be with my father during his final moments, I knew that I could never recover from seeing him in that way as my final memory of him.
In the weeks that have followed, it feels surreal to live life every day. I feel as though I am now part of a really awful, but really exclusive club that I never asked to join. Together we have lost our dads, our moms, and our loved ones. Whether it was because of this horrendous virus or just because there is unfairness in our world, we are now bonded and I am so sorry.
Like I said before, I have felt every single emotion that exists in the last month or so since he passed. I have never had a great hold of my mental state but this has truly showed me how little control I have. Being able to stick to my daily routine is hard enough that when things alter or change in the slightest way, I am a mess. Before today, I hated watching the news, I could not bear to see people disregarding and downplaying this pandemic because it was inconvenient for them or because they couldn’t do or go where they wanted to. I get it, but do the work to make things better. Wear your mask. Stay home as best you can to make our world safe again. You never know when it is going to affect you or someone you love and I promise you that no matter how safe you are, it can still happen and change your life completely. Even if you manage to make It through this pandemic without ever getting sick, without ever knowing anyone who got it or having to watch anyone close to you die, your choices can still affect so many others. You may not know it but choosing to go against the precautions can hurt someone three times removed from you and you may never know. So please, understand that while it sucks to not be able to live the way you want to live, if we all do this together, we can not only slow down the virus and get a better hold on what’s going on, but we can literally save countless lives.
Sitting in that moment of silence, watching Joe Biden and Kamala Harris on the screen, I was finally able to calm down a bit to listen to what was next. What was next was Garth Brooks singing Amazing Grace. Garth Brooks doesn’t mean that much to me, but Amazing Grace does. I heard him singing the words to one of my dad’s favorite songs. I had immediate vivid memories of standing next to him at church and looking up at him while he belted out the words to this beautiful song. I can so perfectly remember his deep voice and I again started crying because I will never hear him sing that song again. I will never hear his voice again. I closed my eyes and put my dad’s voice over Garth Brooks and sat in my sadness and listened to my dad sing to me.
There isn’t much of a point to this post. I was sad and angry and felt the need to share with whoever will listen. You don’t have to agree with me but I hope you hear my words. I hope that even if you don’t fully believe in what is currently going on, the next time you don’t want to wear your mask or you want to have a party, I come through your mind. My family flashes in your thoughts because we lost someone we can never, ever replace and it was because of carelessness. I want this to all be over as much as anyone else does and there are ways we can help that happen. Together.
As far as the future, sure, I’m excited. I may not always physically show that I’m excited or optimistic, but honestly, things cannot get much worse on our end over here so all I have left is to hope for what comes next.
