Louise was fired in July 2019. The five months that followed were incredible. There was a new wave of energy and creativity flowing through Ginny and me in the office and we were thriving. We were booking better jobs, bringing on better models and overall just really working well together. There was no more dark cloud surrounding us. We moved office spaces, (had to get away from the bad juju of the previous one) and began a new routine. We would have meetings in West Hollywood, we were working remotely a few days a week and sometimes we would drive out to our boss’ office and work from there. That office was 60 miles from where I lived so I usually spent the night at Ginny’s in WeHo so that I wouldn’t have to drive 3-5 hours the next day. We made it work and it was great.
In December of 2019 J had a seizure. J’s epilepsy is something I will for sure get more in depth about in a later post but all that needs to be understood now is that this seizure was a big deal. It was bigger than anything he (or we) had experienced in the past. Our lives completely changed after this. J was no longer legally allowed to drive (which is standard procedure) and we had no idea when or if he would be getting his license back. He also had several neurological appointments throughout the following months for check-ups and tests to help get him back to a stable place so that we wouldn’t have to worry. (Which doesn’t matter because to this day I worry about him every second of every day.)
In the entertainment industry, we take a 2-3 week break for the holidays. Everything shuts down and you get to spend time with your family and friends or go on a much-needed vacation. J had his seizure during this break. When I went back to work I sat down with Ginny and my boss and explained my new normal:
Since J wasn’t allowed to drive, I was now waking up early with him and taking him to work, (he is a middle school PE teacher) then I was coming home and getting myself ready for the day. I was feeding Boone breakfast, taking him to doggy daycare (a lifesaver) and then heading to West Hollywood (usually an hour drive for me). I would work in the office and do any meetings I had set up. Once I had finished everything I had planned for the day, I was leaving LA and heading back to Long Beach to pick up J once school was done. After that we would drive by daycare to pickup Boone, then drop J off at the gym if he needed to go that day, then go home and continue to sit in front of my computer until dinner and on most nights, continue working until midnight or later. This was my new daily routine.
Even though this schedule was hectic and put a lot of pressure on us as a family, we still tried our hardest to make things easier for one another as often as we could. If I needed to go into work and stay longer than anticipated, J would get rides from co-workers to get to and from school. If he had plans with friends or just wanted to do something without me around, Uber was a fantastic resource for that. These adjustments were so helpful but we still had to make sure we were always making the smartest choices. Using Uber constantly was an expensive option so even though it was there for us when we needed it, we still tried to do most of the picking up and dropping off on our own.
Both Ginny and my boss were extremely sympathetic to my situation. They told me to do whatever it was I needed to do to make sure J was ok and that it was easy because I could honestly work from anywhere. I could work off my phone in any situation and that was a huge blessing during this time. I thanked them and appreciated them understanding that sometimes it would be hard for me to make it to LA because of all of this and the several Dr.’s appointments we had to get to in the next few months. They reassured me it would all be ok and eventually everything would go back to normal. That was my hope as well.
The week after I had this talk with my team, I received a text saying that Ginny and I needed to go up to our boss’ home office to work with him there that week. I had just explained how that was impossible for me to do. (again, this office was 60 miles away from where I lived and coming home during rush hour was about a 3-4 hour drive for me) I gently reminded them that this wasn’t going to work for the foreseeable future and said I was completely available for a Skype call, (Zoom hadn’t taken over just yet) or conference call to go over whatever was needed of me for that day. I was met with annoyance and it felt as though I was inconveniencing them. However, the day came and went and I worked from home with zero calls or emergencies so I figured we were good. The next week I received the same text. That I was to go up to the home office. I explained again how it didn’t work. Every week for 6 weeks I got the same text/request to go work from that office. Every week for 6 weeks I kindly explained how and why (again and again) this would not work for me. I cried every single time these texts came through. I felt as though I was going insane and that somehow, I was wrong for all of this. I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t being understood and why I was being made out to look like my priorities were off.
If you’ve been paying attention to the timeline, you will notice that this puts us right about the end of February/ beginning of March 2020. Hello Coronavirus.
My boss panicked way before anyone else did. He was talking about this “virus that would shut down the industry” long before I ever took it seriously. I would be honest and say that I thought he was being overly paranoid and needed to just relax. This wasn’t going to be as big of a deal as everyone thinks, the industry will be fine and we will make our money like normal. I was wrong. I can say that now and own it. The industry started shutting down around the beginning of March and we were screwed.
I’m not going to dive into every phone call or email during this time when we were unsure of what was next but just know they were not good. They were aggressive and panicked. There was blame being put on anyone who couldn’t book a job and money was at an all-time low in our company. I was under the most stress I had ever felt in my life. I had a company barely able to catch its breath, I was dealing with my personal life and I was trying to juggle the emotional toll that everything was taking on me. I know my attitude was off. Driving to LA had always been a fun thing for me and now it was a huge burden. I was spending 2 hours max in the office doing meeting after meeting and then working and regrouping with Ginny quickly before getting on the road again to make sure I got back in time for pick-ups. It was exhausting and I was completely depleted. I felt as though my job was the one thing I shouldn’t have had to worry about during that time but because of the impending pandemic, timing was the shittiest it could have been.
Ultimately there was one conference call that did me in. I was at the peak of awfulness. I was crying every single day. I was complaining about how terrible this job made me feel. I had zero positive things to say because I was so far past stressed out that nothing could bring me back. But I was too scared to leave. How could I leave my job when this pandemic was starting to seem like a real thing? I have never not had an income before. I had to provide for my family and make sure we were stable. J has a great job but it wasn’t enough on its own to make our lives as comfortable as we would like. So, I had to suck it up. That was my thought process.
We had a pretty bad week sales wise and our boss wanted to talk about it. I was at home and they were all at his home office. We got on the call and right away I knew it was not going to go well. There was so much hostility and negativity from the get-go and it never got better. I was then told that the reasons our company wasn’t making enough money to survive was because this pandemic was real; companies and clients were cancelling jobs which meant our models weren’t working, and also that my boyfriend’s epilepsy was making things difficult because I could no longer drive the 60 miles to our other office and it was throwing off our company’s “synergy”. I was asked to try to live in a hypothetical world where I wasn’t in J’s life. I was to just let him “figure out things on his own” because he’s a grown man. Meaning that I shouldn’t drive him anywhere and he had to deal with his situation as if he lived by himself because I had to make my job a priority over him. I was asked if my dog was too much for me to handle. We take Boone to daycare when we are at work so that we don’t have to lock him in a crate for hours every day and because of this, we also need to pick him up before they close. When J couldn’t drive, he could no longer pick up Boone so that became my responsibility as well. I was told that when I have children, I was going to need to make hard decisions, get nannies, and understand that the job always comes first.
At the end of the call, I knew I was done. Everything that had been said to me had worn me down completely and I knew I had nothing more to give. My boss did ask me ultimately what I wanted to do but I didn’t feel as though a conference call was the right way to quit my job so I said I needed time to think. His response was that he understood but that I couldn’t leave the company because that would just be hurtful to abandon Ginny and him during this time……
I had a very long talk with J and my mom after all this happened and I told them I couldn’t do it anymore. I had no more joy and unfortunately my priorities were no longer acceptable in this world so it was only hurting my boss, my coworkers and the company for me to be there.
My boss contacted me later that week and we had another conversation, a more open and honest conversation. It was kind and we reminisced about our 5 years together and he said he could feel the way I was leaning and that it was ok. He understood and appreciated all that I had done for him and the company but it was my time to move on. He would always think of me as family and he wanted me to help him hire someone to replace me. I would get to read every application and interview everyone I wanted to, before helping him make the final decision. He would also help me get on unemployment so that I wasn’t completely screwed during this weird time in the world. We ended that conversation in such a positive way I couldn’t believe it. I cried for such a long time once we hung up. It felt as though I had been freed. I had a weight lifted off me and it was incredible to feel light for the first time in years.
I quit my job on March 15, 2020. On March 16th, my boss texted me that he had already offered my position to his accountant and she had taken it. I would be doing a few virtual training sessions with her and that’d be it. This was odd to me since not even 12 hours earlier he had promised that I could help choose my replacement. It became clear he already had my replacement in mind. Later that week, I did my calls with her and tried my hardest to pass down 5 years of information in 2 conference calls. This was difficult considering I thought I would have had more time to prepare. 5 years of doing a job that is extremely involved, complicated and honestly, tailored exactly to me is almost impossible to teach to someone in 2 hours. With that all being said, I passed down as much as I could in the calls and that was it. I mailed back my company credit card, my keys and a few other things they would need from me and I was out.
When you leave a job under normal circumstances, you get to say goodbye. You get to have closure and let everyone know you are moving on. I didn’t get this opportunity because we didn’t think telling our models and clients that one of the two bookers at the company was leaving at the start of a global pandemic was a good idea. We didn’t want to instill more fear and anxiety than we needed to. We also thought things would blow over by April and I could make an announcement and we’d be good. Things did not blow over by April. Things have only gotten worse. Time passed and I realized I never got to properly say goodbye. I had spent 5 years building relationships with models and companies that I treasured. I had friends there. I loved the people I had worked with and I never wanted anyone to feel abandoned by me in such a crazy time. I put out a quick post on Instagram around my birthday in June and got some amazing responses from people who read it and that made me feel better about things.
It is now October. I have been unemployed for 7 months and it’s been the weirdest time of my life. I have gone through so many emotions during quarantine that its helped me realize that even though it’s been a difficult road, I’m exactly where I should be. My next career path is out there waiting for me and I’m now, finally ready to try and find that. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing next…I mean, I didn’t leave my job for something better. I left my job so that I could be a better person.
I think I’m getting there.
